Well, it's been awhile, so here goes. Let's see, I went to the Kenny Chesney concert last Thursday, which was an absolute blast. I drove out to Grand Haven that afternoon to meet Ellie and Hilary at Ellie's parent's condo. Not going to lie, that place is pretty cool, but then again, I love the water so of course I would love a condo that faces a dock. Anyway, I quickly changed (with the help of the other two of the three amigos), fixed my face and straightened my hair. Just as we were getting ready to leave Grand Haven, Ellie's parents walked in the door, just in time to inform us that gasoline had jumped from $3.89 per gallon to $4.19 per gallon. Great, right? Bah, I'm so sick of paying for these bloody gas prices. But it's not like there's anything we can do about it, it's all up to OPEC and our lovely government. Ah, I digress. Back to the concert. After Ellie filled up her car with gasoline, we left for Grand Rapids. We were so excited!!! Once we got there, we ended up following a bus to Van Andel Arena. Since we were so early, we went to a few bars right outside of the Arena. It was so much fun, well...yeah. I was the one able to drink, while Hilary and Ellie were able to laugh at the drunk me....so I guess it all worked out. The concert was completely amazing. I love Kenny Chesney. I screamed so loud my throat is still sore over three days later. So worth it though. Hilary and I had to drive back early from Grand Haven in order to go to work Friday afternoon. Some idiot in front of us was driving really fast on a flat tire, and Hilary made a sign to tell him, but we never got the chance. He just wouldn't slow down enough for us to pull up next to him. The next thing I know, his tire blows out in the middle of the freaking highway!!!!!! We both freaked out! I thought I was going to die, either of him hitting us or me having a heart attack. Got that was scary!!!

Work has completely sucked ass, go figure. The one job is being absolutely obnoxious, only putting me on mid-day shifts so I can't work my other job, yelling at me for no apparent reason, writing me up for shit everyone else gets away with, you know, the usual bullshit of a dead end job. Thank God this is not my final career. The other job has been relatively good. Friday Hilary and me got slammed with about 15 minutes in between mini rushes. Gah, just about the time we would get the place cleaned up from one rush, we'd get slammed again! Fortunately, we still got out on time, instead of ridiculously late. I didn't work both jobs Saturday, but I did today. I was so sick on Saturday my coworker finally convinced my boss to let me go, since I was so sick I was completely useless as an employee. I took care of Frannie's horses then went home. Today I worked both jobs. The one was really the same shit every day, as it would go. The second job started out great, busy but great. Then Joren went to make a batch of dough, somehow let her grip loose and dropped the measuring cup of flour into the industrial sized mixing bowl. And just before she could stop the mixer, the dough hook caught the measuring cup and sent it flying in a cloud of flour!! Poor Joren was covered in flour, and none of us could stop laughing!!! Probably one of the funniest things I've seen happen there. We stayed busy for a while, then it died down and we were able to catch up on our cleaning. Hilary all of a sudden got very short with me, right after Joren left. She claims it was because of someone else, but given our track record, I'm sure it was something I did and she just doesn't feel like telling me. I can understand if I had actually said something, but it had seemed the night was going well. Apparently I was just in a fantasy world, or something. Even if she wasn't mad at me, she really didn't have to take it out on me, or she could have just said, "no, it's not you, it's this person." or she could have at least told me something else. I nearly always tell her what's wrong, but I guess some things are just not reciprocated. I would have taken that, even without an apology. I don't care about apologies as long as I have some sort of explanation, crappy or otherwise. It just seems like every time we turn around, one of us is ready to kill the other. I really don't know what the problem is this time, and I'm really not sure if I want to know the truth. Eh,doesn't matter I suppose. I just really hate being everyone's bitch. At the first job, I'm the one who gets yelled at and written up for nothing, and when it comes to friends, I seem to be the one to be mad at even when I haven't done anything wrong. I don't know, like I said, it probably doesn't matter. I'm getting used to being out of the loop anyway. Meh, that's all I have tonight. Auf Wiedersehn.

Enough.

I realized today just how horrible I am as a friend. I've let down so many people, it's no wonder I'm losing friends. I know I was the one who brought up Chicago, and made the plans, then broke them. But I had nothing to do with not being able to remake the plans. But I'll accept the blame anyway. I'm just going to do it this way:
I'm sorry I'm not the person you thought I was.
I'm sorry I can't keep any of the promises I make.
I'm sorry we never made it to the places we said we would, that's my fault.
I'm sorry I can't get the money I thought I was going to get.
I'm sorry you feel as if everything you do gets on my nerves, it doesn't.
I'm sorry everything I do gets on your nerves.
I'm sorry I've wasted your time all of these years.
I'm sorry you won't miss me.
I'm sorry I turned out to be such a waste of space.
I'm sorry for everything I've said or done.
I'm sorry to waste space in your phone.
I'm sorry I didn't hear the truth from you, I had to read it second hand.

However..
I am happy you are smart enough to have other friends.
I am happy you are better off without me.
I am happy you will lead a better life.
I am happy you won't have to deal with me anymore, unless you choose otherwise.

I just want to correct the mistakes I have made, but I know I can't. I'm sorry for everything I've said or done that has caused someone else pain, which is apparently all I have done in the last few weeks. I have no excuses, I'm just a horrible person to whom no one should be exposed. I really give up, there's nothing I can do to make you feel as if I am the friend I once was. It's apparently different now. You have no patience with me, and I don't know how to deal with any of this any more. I guess you've made your decision, and I have to live with that. I'm sorry, I can't live like this anymore. It hurts so much, but I will just have to learn to deal with it. I'm just sorry.

I'm done.

Well, time hasn't slowed down one bit and I'm quite frankly sick of it. It seems like everything this week that could have gone wrong, has gone wrong. Let's start with the obvious, shall we? Money. I, like so many college students, rely on the extra money I get back every semester from my student loans. Not this time. The stupid university didn't even use enough of my normal student loan to cover my tuition for the summer. Above that, I barely got enough back for a new computer and the rest of my books, forget about the Chicago trip that I had been dying to go on or the cruise that Carranda's mom offered to me earlier today. I just can't take this much longer. As if that's not enough, I realized today that no matter how hard I try between now and the day I put in my medical school apps in I'm just not going to be what they're looking for. Most students at my level have already basically founded their own non-profit organization, while I barely have time to volunteer once or twice a month! Not to mention my grades suck ass, and it's all my fault because I would rather work to pay for my gasoline than serve the homeless dinner. While one may be more emotionally rewarding, it doesn't pay the bills. Of course, it doesn't help that I have a spending problem which I'm currently doing well to control. I took on a second job to help pay for everything, and that boss is probably thinking that I'm just not worth the hassle I'm putting him through as an employee. I feel so badly about it, mostly because he's a good guy to work for and I'm such a brat about everything. I'm carrying a full college class schedule this summer, on top of two jobs and having to volunteer when I can. This sucks ass. There is one thing that seems to be going well, to a point. I won a scholarship for a free Kaplan course. A Kaplan course is a course designed to tutor people in preparation for major exams, like the ACT, the SAT, or in my case, the MCAT. It's a great thing, since the course is generally very expensive. So at first I was very excited about the whole thing, then I realized, the course is Tuesdays and Thursdays from now until late July. So the Kenny Chesney concert that I have already paid for is out. Not a happy realization for me. I did talk to a couple of Army recruiters about the Officers Program for Medical Students. It sounds like such a great opportunity, but I'm not sure my grades are going to allow this to work out. I've honestly planned not to sleep much this summer in favor of my studies, but I'm not sure that will be enough. I just feel like I'm constantly chasing my tail in circles more often than not. I'm constantly stressed about money, about school, about work and about everything I have to do to get through this life without killing myself. I just want to smile and actually believe it instead of feeling like a fraud every time I do smile. I don't know, maybe this is just how life I supposed to be, a constant, stressful reminder of how much I don't fit the "ideal." There are days I do actually thank God I'm single and don't have to be at some guy's beck and call. BLAH.