I'm done.

Well, time hasn't slowed down one bit and I'm quite frankly sick of it. It seems like everything this week that could have gone wrong, has gone wrong. Let's start with the obvious, shall we? Money. I, like so many college students, rely on the extra money I get back every semester from my student loans. Not this time. The stupid university didn't even use enough of my normal student loan to cover my tuition for the summer. Above that, I barely got enough back for a new computer and the rest of my books, forget about the Chicago trip that I had been dying to go on or the cruise that Carranda's mom offered to me earlier today. I just can't take this much longer. As if that's not enough, I realized today that no matter how hard I try between now and the day I put in my medical school apps in I'm just not going to be what they're looking for. Most students at my level have already basically founded their own non-profit organization, while I barely have time to volunteer once or twice a month! Not to mention my grades suck ass, and it's all my fault because I would rather work to pay for my gasoline than serve the homeless dinner. While one may be more emotionally rewarding, it doesn't pay the bills. Of course, it doesn't help that I have a spending problem which I'm currently doing well to control. I took on a second job to help pay for everything, and that boss is probably thinking that I'm just not worth the hassle I'm putting him through as an employee. I feel so badly about it, mostly because he's a good guy to work for and I'm such a brat about everything. I'm carrying a full college class schedule this summer, on top of two jobs and having to volunteer when I can. This sucks ass. There is one thing that seems to be going well, to a point. I won a scholarship for a free Kaplan course. A Kaplan course is a course designed to tutor people in preparation for major exams, like the ACT, the SAT, or in my case, the MCAT. It's a great thing, since the course is generally very expensive. So at first I was very excited about the whole thing, then I realized, the course is Tuesdays and Thursdays from now until late July. So the Kenny Chesney concert that I have already paid for is out. Not a happy realization for me. I did talk to a couple of Army recruiters about the Officers Program for Medical Students. It sounds like such a great opportunity, but I'm not sure my grades are going to allow this to work out. I've honestly planned not to sleep much this summer in favor of my studies, but I'm not sure that will be enough. I just feel like I'm constantly chasing my tail in circles more often than not. I'm constantly stressed about money, about school, about work and about everything I have to do to get through this life without killing myself. I just want to smile and actually believe it instead of feeling like a fraud every time I do smile. I don't know, maybe this is just how life I supposed to be, a constant, stressful reminder of how much I don't fit the "ideal." There are days I do actually thank God I'm single and don't have to be at some guy's beck and call. BLAH.