A means to an end?

So I decided today I'm going to write again. Not ot anyone in particular, just to write, I need to get some of this off of my chest, I think. Where to start: I'm at a place right now where I have no idea what's going, where I'm going, who I'm headed there with, if I'm going to lose someone close to me or not, if I'm headed in the right direction or not, and I'm confused. I had been doing so well, but right now I just feel like I could burst, or cry, or both. I would love to just get away, to just leave for a while and clear my head, get things where they need to be for a bit. Everything has been going well, seemingly. No arguments with the parents, my brother and I are closer than we've ever been, I have no idea what "he's" thinking, but I dont' care since we're obviously friends, I'll take that. I'd hate to lose him, especially right now when he seems to be an ally. My future is so uncertain, I don't know where I want to go or what I want to do. I've got this set of people pushing me in one direction, another set pulling me in another, and I can't seem to decide which way is up. I feel the best when I'm away from it all, when I can just focus on what I have to do for class right now; the papers, the articles, the books, they all take me far away from what I deal with here. I suppose you could say my studies are becoming an escape from my life, even though they are part of my life right now. I'm so lost with where I am otherwise, as well. I want to be a part of a church, but I'm hesitant to do so. I know facing ridicule is part of what one must endure to "have faith", but I feel as if I am out on such a limb, and I have only the hope it could even begin to hold me up. Perhaps I doubt myself too much, in fact, I know I do. I'm beginning to see what Hilary and Carranda see, but I have to change it, and I have to change it now. But what direction do I take??? Which "direction" is right for me?? With so much going on, it's a good day if I can get my name, age and major right! I've tried to keep it in, I know I put my problems on other people so much, I need to stop that. I'm having an issue dealing with all of this alone. I'm sure I could talk to someone about this, but I feel as if I'm passing the blame, or something of that nature. Besides, they say that the only person who can help you is yourself, but how true is that?? Everyday, we come in contact with so many people, it's impossible to be "alone". Take today as a perfect example: my mom helped me earlier, I spent an hour with a professor for his help, the guy at the coffee shop made my drink for me, and my day has only begun. Are we truly expected to deal with everything alone? How is this possible, I refuse to believe that we're truly capable of doing so.. it's not right. Humans are, by nature, a social being, we rely on one another, for asset acquisition, for moral support, for comfort. But at the same time, I feel as if I need to do this alone, the decision is mine. But for so long, I did what every one else wanted me to do, I didn't know who I was... Last semester I thought I saw a glimpse of "me," brought out by someone else, now I'm not so sure of what I saw. Was it real, or was it a dream, or even a hope? Right now I have so many questions, yet so few answers or even sources upon which I can look for the answers I seek... Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong direction, I really cannot say. I just feel as if I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room, with ropes tied to each limb, people pulling me in so many different directions, all the while I'm screaming and no one even takes note of what's going on. How long can someone survive like this? How does anyone else do this? I'm starting to wonder if it's an irreversible character flaw that I cannot undo, an innate problem with no solution. Maybe I'll never know, maybe the answers are in places I'm afraid to look, it's impossible to tell anymore. I just want to find myself, however I need to, but I don't know where to start. Perhaps, for the time being, I'll continue to be everyone else's puppet, and pretend it's who I am. It's possible that this is the best solution, acceptance and submission. Bis Später.