All I want for Christmas is a new life. I'll keep a few of my friends, namely Hilary and Carranda, but otherwise, I want a new life. I want to be thinner, by at least 20 lbs, I want to be smarter, I want to be the kind of person everyone likes, and I want to care more about everyone around me than myself. But at the same time, i just want to disappear, to be invisible. I don't want to be the center of attention, just the kind of person that doesn't piss anyone off, not memorable at all. I accept the fact that I'll be romantically alone for the rest of my life, and that's fine. No worries about that. But I just want to be "normal" again, yet I don't think it's going to happen any time soon. I feel as if I need to just disappear, then perhaps everything would just be okay. I give up, maybe I should just accept the fact that I'm not going to be happy, someone will always get to me, I JUST WANT PEOPLE TO STOP TRYING TO FORCE ME INTO THINGS! I want to be ME, and be accepted as such. Fuck this, I can't deal with this anymore.

It's an amazing time of year, a time when people give more than normal, when people seem happier than normal, and the air is just a bit lighter. As I sit in my living room, I begin to wonder about it all. I feel the fire warming my side, I sit amongst a good deal of decorations and I hear the entrancing voices of The Three Tenors, but something is missing. For once, my family is together, kind of... My brother isn't in a strange country, my parents are under the same roof every night, and I have my friends around me. This year, something just feels off, not wrong, but off. It's hard to think of what it could be, I just know something isn't quite right. I love this time of year, I'm usually so happy that it's Christmas, and not that I'm not happy, I'm just not as happy as normal. Perhaps I just need to put the pieces of the puzzle together, however they may fit this year. It's out of my hands, at least part of it, I'll just sit back and deal with whatever I can... Froehe Weihnachten, alle.