Stress

Blah. I hate the end of the semesters. Especially this one since it seems to be worse than all the others. My two hardest exams are on the same freaking day, which is causing a major headache. I have to work on the only day I have to study, which is not my fault, btw. I'm not so worried about Chemistry as I am Physics. Chemistry makes some sense to me, but Physics just doesn't. All I need is a 1.0 to make it to the next class, where I'll actually have a class instead of a bunch of crap online. Yes, online courses are indeed the devil. On top of all this, last week I was severely pissed off at both Ellie and Hilary, thus causing me to cancel our hotel reservations in Chicago. Here's the catch: Chicago's crime rate has recently sky rocketed with murders and gang related violence. The last thing I want is to use the El during a period where the most common thing is murder. I keep being reminded that I need to make reservations in a city that I"m quite reluctant to visit now. I've never felt so unsure about Chicago before, regardless of the fact I've known for years that all large cities are relatively dangerous. Maybe I just won't go, I don't know yet.

On to the next mini-rant subject. I really hate it when people take something they have, which they know you a) can't have and b) currently don't have, and rub it into your face. That's how I'm feeling about my friend in Florida. Every time I talk to her all she can talk about is her , now official, boyfriend. How he's so wonderful and kind and doesn't care about sex, and he just loves her for who she is and the fact they have so much in common and how rich he is....GAG ME. If anyone actually reads this, do the rest of us a favor, talk about something for a while, but be careful how it might make the other person feel. I know I can be a bit obnoxious, especially about my recent weight loss, and I'm really trying to tone it down, but give me a break. I don't want to know all the little things about Richy Rich that make him so perfect for you!!!!!! I can see her wanting to tell me and me being happy for her, but when that's all she talks about, well, that and her perfect horse, I get really sick of it really quickly. I honestly am happy for her, I think....but it just makes me feel somehow sub-standard, as if it were some sort of grading system, like beef. She must be "Prime" and I think I fall somewhere around "standard" (for those of you who don't know the beef grading scale, prime is the best, standard is not good at all.)\

Anyway, I should get back to studying, I have to exams to get ready for. Hope you enjoyed another episode of the Loser Show!

Down with life

Okay, so here goes. I haven't been on here in a very long time, and I need to get a ton of shit off my mind. Not like anyone actually reads this anyway. So this is the deal: life sucks. End of story. People are stupid, tend to see only the bad, the "flaws" in other people and not the good. Furthermore, I've begun to realize that while I do have a few close friends, I will end this life alone regarding love. Fine, I don't give a damn anymore. Guys, in general, are assholes only interested in skinny, easy girls with big boobs and a low I.Q. Well, 25% isn't going to get me anywhere so I'll just deal with it. L;KAJFEDLKASDF.

So I've been on a weight loss plan and it's actually working this time. I happened to grab an older pair of jeans the other day only to find they do not in any form fit me. Yay. I went to show my mom how well I'd been doing and the first thing she says is some smart assed comment about my tattoo, well, one of them. It's not like I can lie and say, "no, it's just pen, but I can't seem to get it off...." Now my mother won't speak to me at all, not even to say, "Fuck you, stupid fucking slut." My father is not happy with me, but he's not mad. He seems to think I didn't think this through and I only got the tattoo because of an emotion. Wrong. Oh, and he made the point today that I just don't listen during "critical times". What the hell does a seven month old tattoo have to do with a "critical time" now?! I don't understand that, so if you do, please explain. I've also been called stupid, white trash, childish and rebellion for having this tattoo. Straight to the point, it's the Russian word for beautiful, on my hip. Big fucking deal. It's my body, my money that paid for it, and my endorphines that kicked in to deal with the pain. No one has to stare at it all day, no one will even see it unless I want them to. The parents seem to believe that I must know and fully practice their ideals about everything. I'm sorry, that's not how life works. Yes, in their day, only sailors and bikers got tattoos,risking their lives with all the blood borne pathogens out there. It's not the same story today, not even close. If it were, congress would not have passed legislation stating the newly tattooed and newly pierced can donate blood immediately after their respective procedures. Well, welcome to the 21st Century, now everyone has tattoos and it's not taboo! GET OVER IT! I'm not white trash because of it, I'm not stupid because of the permanent ink on my hips. Those are there for a reason and those reasons are mine. I don't have to explain myself to anyone. That's for damn sure.

Of course I called everyone I could think of to whine. Eventually, my brother (whom I woke up rather early for him) called me back as I was getting home from work. It was kind of nice to have a conversation with him since we don't live in the same stat anymore. Apparently, his now ex-girlfriend went all crazy on him during their trip to Arizona. Stupid bitch, she didn't deserve him anyhow. She made a few comments that I'd be more than happy to knock her out for, but alas, not a possibility. It seems like we're both cursed when it comes to relationships. I won't lie, both of mine were HELL, learning experiences, but hell none the less. The first guy was a complete asshole, only using me for the one thing all men want. The second was a flake and went through worse PMS than I do, and I'm the one with the uterus! Granted, I'm considered an old maid by standard, seeing as I didn't even start dating until I was 22. Yes, I am that much of a loser. I can't lie, there are days that no matter what I do, I just can't shake the feeling of being alone. As I said to one friend this evening, it feels as if I am more of a ghost than a human. Just wandering the earth, attracting very little attention at best. Then one of my other friends called last week to basically brag about how she has to fight off guys every time she goes out, and how there are three guys currently trying to date her. It must be great to be so gorgeous you can have a different guy every night of the week. I'm supposed to be happy for her, I suppose I'll just slip into my normal actress mode and let her think that. Truthfully, I despise her for this. Guys only look at me for a few reasons: 1) Size D, enough said. 2) I paid attention to the beginning of lab and know what the hell I'm doing, 3) to be asked if my friend is single or taken, 4) to point blank laugh. I know I'm not the skinniest person alive, but give me a break. What is so great about holding someone who feels like the fake skeletons you see hanging in doctor's offices? Ew, I'll pass. At this point I've managed to realize the archaic belief that there is someone for everyone is a line of bullshit that they feed to little kids. Why? I haven't a clue. There isn't someone for everyone, in fact, 1 in 2 marriages will end in divorce. All the while, my heart aches for something my mind refuses to even consider. Love is just not a possibility for me, and that's just the truth. I'm not what any one wants which is painfully obvious. I will always be the "wing man" to my friends, the one who keeps away the guys she doesn't want and lets the ones she does want through to her. Just like a fucking bouncer at a club. I'm better off alone, anyway. I couldn't possibly hurt someone like my mother has hurt people, and you know the apple never falls far from the tree. I have no faith or trust in people, men especially. If you tell me you'll do one thing, I will expect the exact opposite. I only trust someone as far as I can throw them, and I usually don't believe a word spoken by damn near anyone. I'm guarded and jaded to a fault, and the older I get the worse it gets. My mother always said it would take either a Marine or a cowboy to handle me. Well, I'm pretty sure I could scare the hell out of most Marines and cowboys don't want someone like me. Fuck it, less drama without a man complicating things. I don't like to be touched anyway.

Work is going well, amazingly. That's about all I can say there, though. School is going pretty well, too. Obviously it's not going well at home. One should generally feel comfortable and accepted at home, but I just feel like the outcast, the "black sheep" of the family. To make matters worse, in the process of cleaning and straightening my room I found two old horse halters. One is from my current mare who was abused and is now too old to do anything with, while the other halter is from my first mare, whom I had to have euthanized when she was only six years old. I nearly broke down upon the sight of these. I miss riding so much, and I think it's partly to do with the fact that ever since I was forced to quit showing horses, every decision I've made has been either stupid, ridiculous, or flat out wrong in my mother's eyes. My study abroad trip to Germany: a pointless waste of money to her. My tattoos: an abomination to this family, you'd think we were part of high society Hollywood or something the way she acts. Oh yeah, my being a German major: a blow off major, only chosen to get through college quickly and easily with no hopes of ever getting a decent job. Apparently speaking three languages is so common the government wouldn't have a single job available for me *cough*StateDepartment*cough* . But I digress. Upon finding the halters tucked away in my closet, I realized the only time I was ever truly, truly happy was on the back of a horse. But sadly, I don't think I'll ever see the back of a horse again, not with medical school looming ahead within the next year and a half. I'm just waiting for the day when that becomes a stupid decision, too. Oh, wait a second, it already IS a stupid decision since I'm an idiot and couldn't possibly make the grades I need for medical school.

I sat on the porch for awhile this evening and just took everything into consideration. Outwardly, I appear to be everything I should be. A college student bound for medical school, a hard worker, and the kind of person you like but just don't ever remember. But on the inside, I'm screaming so hard I feel as if I'm literally dying. Every dream I've had so far has been crushed to oblivion. All my hopes vanished. Now I'm left to cold hard truth: I'm not that smart, I probably won't make medical school, and my mother is right. I am a waste of space and energy. I have no future.

If I could just leave, just go so far away that I couldn't be traced I'd be okay. They would forget about me, since I was the mistake to begin with. Their lives would be easier, less frustrating minus the stupid daughter who can't make the correct decision regardless of the situation. WILL SOMEONE TELL ME WHY I CAN'T BREATHE???? WHY CAN'T I MAKE THIS PAIN GO AWAY???? WHAT HAVE I DONE TO MAKE HER HATE ME SO??? All I want is to be happy, to feel as if I matter to at least one person, that if I died tomorrow, someone besides the gravedigger would be there to say goodbye. I can feel my personality slowly leaving, as if rotting away as E. coli ravaged flesh does, leaving only an empty shell of a person who simply works and studies, works and studies. I don't want to feel sick anymore. I miss my brother like crazy, he's one of the few I can actually talk to and not worry about anything getting back to my mother. I hate how often death crosses my mind. I often think that if I just walked away from everything, I would make life so much easier for everyone else. No one would have to listen to me whine or bitch or cry. I just need to learn to internalize my emotions more, so no one else has to bear my burdens on top of theirs. I'm so selfish and so unfair to everyone, it's amazing I have friends at all. Honestly, I just want to rewind to 1985, and somehow make sure that I never enter this world at all. There are days I don't even think God remembers I exist. I don't know, maybe I'm just like this because I'm not good enough for even my parents. They don't even listen to me when I tell them where I'm going or who I'm with. They just love to call me in the middle of a movie to yell at me. I'm just so sick of being treated like a child by my parents. IT'S NOT FAIR. But then again, everyone says life isn't fair so I guess it all works out in the end. I give up. That's about it for my depressed, self-pity party. Thanks for tuning in to the I'm-A-Bigger-Loser-Than-You program.....