Back to the drawing board..

Well I'm back, since it's been so long since my last post. I've had a good bit of time to myself this weekend, which has allowed me time to really think about things. I've realized a lot, although not all of it is quite what I had expected. Now, where to begin....

My last post left me contemplating fate and trying to figure it out for myself, yeah, that didn't work as well as I had hoped. Tropical Storm Hanna was just depressing, too much rain, but that made me think of what was missing in my life. The funny thing is, it's not a person, or a couple of people, it's my own faith, as in faith in myself. I took the time to listen to what I was saying at times (a good deal of Jack Daniels, Smirnov, and Malibu helped with this...) I've put up so many walls, my own family can't even come close to breaking them. It's strange to think that the people who are supposed to know you incredibly well barely know who you are at all. The really odd thing was, for a few brief moments, I was insanely jealous of my cousin, for he has found the one for him, and while I am happy for them both, I can't bring myself to not be slightly jealous. I will say this for them, though. They're marriage will be incredibly strong after already surviving a tropical storm on the day of their wedding!! Later that evening I had a rather interesting conversation with the one friend who never holds back anything. I found out a lot of interesting opinions that I've taken to heart. I also got a few outsider views on my current relationship situation, which was only partially helpful, but I was glad for the input.

Beyond all of this, I realize just how much of what you say and what you do effects those around you. In various ways, of course, but the proof is still there. If you have two people helping you find an item to purchase, if you decide on on person's discovery over the other, obvious hurt comes over them, as if you're saying, "the other person is better than you, so I'll take their suggestion." Of course this is not necessarily what you're saying at all, but it always seems to come across this way, which is hard to experience. This also lead me to another conclusion: more often than not, I will sacrifice my own happiness to keep someone else from feeling pain. Which, to some degree, this is good, isn't it? I have always been taught that others come before you, you are the last concern. But now I have a few people telling me it's time to stand up for my own happiness, and to hell with those around me at times. I honestly cannot bring myself to hurt someone, regardless of how it seems to everyone else. I can't just make someone else feel as if they don't matter to serve my own interests. That's just not right. I dont' care what you think, it's not right. Self-servitude only gets you so far, finds you few friends and forges many enemies. I know it sounds ridiculous, but that's how I feel and I honestly don't care if you think I'm wrong.

On a final note, I'm not a fan of airports, but Baltimore/Washington International is not bad at all! I'm currently sitting in a plush leather chair with an outlet attached to it so my computer doesn't die on me! Haha, well, that's all I have time for, see you on the ground in Detroit!

This is actually from September 5....I just forgot to post it once de-boarded by flight...haha

To fly above the world is something of a wonder to me. Take today, for example. On the ground in Detroit, it was rainy, dark and nothing to lament leaving. As the plane lifted from the tarmac, that sudden sensation of being pressed into the seat alleviates itself as you grow accustomed to it. The sever incline to the body of the plane indicates where you are headed. One moment, you see the ground, the next, you’re hidden amongst the clouds, angels on either side of you, hopefully. Then, as suddenly as you are immersed into the remnants of a recent hurricane, something shows through the clouds: the sun. At this point, you begin to realize where you you really are, as if you could forget. Quickly, the sun becomes brighter and the clouds reveal their nature below you. The thick layers swirling and moving beneath you, a solemn reminder of what they once were part of. It is both beautiful and humbling, for you are so small and insignificant compared to the grander scale. There are so many of us, yet so few who really understand the immense nature of the world. Does anyone truly appreciate it, or can they even begin to do so? A good question.

Above the world, you can see so much, it looks as if you would look down upon a well constructed train set. The earth hiding no secrets, major metropolises scaled down to mere grids of streets, interspersed with buildings which have no meaning at such great heights. But you wonder, still, how does this all work? From here it is all so simple, so clear. But then again, is it really? Back on the ground level, life is so crazy. Like most people around me, I have a computer open, working on something that an on-looker might deem as important, though the truth is quite contrary. We wonder about each other, we examine those around us with scrutiny, whether we realize it or not. A person’s looks, style of dress, demeanor, jewelry, etc. And we make a judgement. If they’re smiling, we assume they’re happy, if they aren’t, we assume they’re either angry or not personable. It is hard to maintain an amiable disposition in every circumstance, nor am I suggesting that we should. But I digress. As we ponder the people we’re surrounded by, we can’t help but wonder about their lives. Take the woman next to me for example. She’s well dressed and currently reading an article, presumably for work. I see a ring on her left hand, therefore I would believe her to be married, and from the size of that diamond, to a wealthy man. Either that, or she loves jewelry and purchased the ring to make people think exactly as I did or to make people believe she is successful in every aspect of her life. But someone might look at me and think similar thoughts. I have a ring on my left hand, but am not married, or even engaged for that matter. I smile, but I am nowhere near happy. In fact, I’m miserable, but decide that I should not impose such a disposition on complete strangers. No one needs to know I’m caught in a dire struggle internally. Well, perhaps “dire” is a bit of an exaggeration, but back to the point. On one hand, there is someone who ‘likes’ me well enough to call me his girlfriend, although I never hear from him due to his current location (a US Naval ship in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean headed for the Iraqi coast.) On another hand, there is someone else on my home-front, who would seem that he shares feelings for me that go beyond simple friends. I guess time will reveal whatever fate has in store for me, as it always does for everyone.