yeah, right...

ok, so where to begin....alright. well, last week my grandfather died and i had to go to West Virginia for his funeral. the funeral sucked, as they alwasy do. then, the family and i went to Gettysburg. we then lost out on the boyd's place, even though everything said they closed at eight, they actually closed at six. well, we just went through the place quickly, then went into Gettysburg. we walked around for a long time, then took a ghost walk. that was kind of interesting. the following monday, my older brother went to Kosovo. only Emily and i took him to the airport, and looking back, i realized i never cried about it. well, the week went by alright. got my russian literature essay back, did pretty well on it. then on friday, Emily and i waited outside of the breslin center for keith urban tickets. after waiting eight hours, we ended up with second row tickets, so i can't complain too much. we also did a lot of talking during these hours. then i got talking to my mom today about one of the stories, and apparently i wasn't supposed to say anything about it. so my brother calls my mom (from Kosovo), and she mentions it. well, he gets pissed off at his wife for telling me. now i feel absolutely hideous about the whole thing, cuz it's all my fault. if i hadn't dragged Emily to sit with me to get tickets, i wouldn't have found the story out. if i didn't know the story, i wouldn't have told my mother, because i obviously wasn't supposed to say anything. well, after my mom talks to my brother, she hands the phone to me. he didn't say much to me, not that i blame him. but then he called and yelled at his wife, and then she called to tell me about it. i feel soo terrible, because he yelled at her for something i did. i'm so sick of screwing up all the time. i know how my parents are, and i should have known better. my brother probably won't talk to me anymore, not that i blame him. geez, i'd give anything to find the rewind button on life and take it all back. unfortunately, we all know this isn't possible. i mean, he's my brother, i'd do anything to help him out. but all i'm good for is hurting him, apparently. i emailed him to apologize, and i honestly don't expect a reply. i just need to learn to keep my damn mouth shut. its not like there's anything i can do about it now, i just don't want to lose contact with my brother. we hardly talk to each other, partly to do with an eight year age gap, and i'm pretty sure i've completely lost all trust he may have had in me. i spent most of the day crying, then my father called me, tried to tell me to calm down, that it wasn't my fault, the usual lines of bullshit they give me. i just feel like i let my brother down, like i'm some kind of snitch. i just want him to be happy, and i'm not helping him. there are days i wish God would just put a big metal plate over my mouth, that way i couldn't upset anyone with what comes out of my mouth. i just don't know what i'm doing anymore. i give up. до свиданя.

why does this happen to everyone???

Well, where do I begin?? Let's start with the weekend. Saturday, I unfortunately had to work morning shift. Oh well, I made that up for it that evening. Megan, Hilary and I went to see Jarhead. Such a good movie. But please, please do not go if you only want a typical war movie, THIS IS NOT THAT KIND OF MOVIE!!!! But if you understand Marines, and the fact this movie is a TRUE story, go see it and enjoy.
After the movie, we went to an MSU Hockey game. Ah, so wonderful. Some of the hottest guys on campus are hockey players. Of course, Megan has officially won in the "lets covert Jess to a Hockey fan" but that's not a bad thing! All three of us had a great night, and I can't remember the last time I've laughed that hard.

The Sunday came, not a good day. I start off the day being late for work, but no one yelled at me, cuz I was talking to my parents (something none of us have the time for anymore.) And my mother told me she called to see how my grandfather was doing. My aunts passed the phone around, then he just got on the phone to say he loved my mom, and that was it. He hasn't died, but everyone is afraid it's really just around the corner. I just can't deal with that.

Then, refering back to Jarhead. A friend of mine in VA saw it on Sunday, and said he never felt more alone in his life. I know what he means. He related to a character in a situation, that made everything seem too real. I saw a play this evening at my theatre job, and I felt the same way. This character made me feel alone, like her part was me, in eleven years. I just can't deal with seeing myself like that, and yet, I don't know how to alter it. I just want to be happy, and I can't seem to find much happiness. I've become a great actress, not allowing many people to see the truth. There are a couple of people who know, but I try to keep it fairly quiet. I don't know, this thing is just my journal, so don't mind me. до свиданя.

here we go again!!!

well, well, well, where to start? i'll just type, and see where this goes....ok so at work: Mikey and MJ are leaving me, so sad. but then again, i'm leaving asap, so i can't whine too much about that. too much shit has gone on without explaination. now we have a nighttime manager, aka "the babysitter". i feel like a freakin 2 yr old!!!! doesn't matter much, when i quit, i'm not giving 2 weeks notice, so hah. yeah, that would be work for the time being.
next item on the docket...school. not too bad, i have 4.0's in russian and german, so that's good, and psych is a 3.0, can't complain about that. russian lit is hard to tell, some days she likes me, some days she hates me. but whatever, i know what i'm talking about, so she can just deal with it. that would be school for you.
hmmm...that leaves the horses. both doing well...next topic
yeah, so i had a paranoid moment the other day, btw, thanks to justin for calming me down a bit (or alot!!!!) so anyway, that's my life for the moment, not too bad, i actually don't have much to whine/complain about!!! yay!!!до свиданя!!