yeah, right...

ok, so where to begin....alright. well, last week my grandfather died and i had to go to West Virginia for his funeral. the funeral sucked, as they alwasy do. then, the family and i went to Gettysburg. we then lost out on the boyd's place, even though everything said they closed at eight, they actually closed at six. well, we just went through the place quickly, then went into Gettysburg. we walked around for a long time, then took a ghost walk. that was kind of interesting. the following monday, my older brother went to Kosovo. only Emily and i took him to the airport, and looking back, i realized i never cried about it. well, the week went by alright. got my russian literature essay back, did pretty well on it. then on friday, Emily and i waited outside of the breslin center for keith urban tickets. after waiting eight hours, we ended up with second row tickets, so i can't complain too much. we also did a lot of talking during these hours. then i got talking to my mom today about one of the stories, and apparently i wasn't supposed to say anything about it. so my brother calls my mom (from Kosovo), and she mentions it. well, he gets pissed off at his wife for telling me. now i feel absolutely hideous about the whole thing, cuz it's all my fault. if i hadn't dragged Emily to sit with me to get tickets, i wouldn't have found the story out. if i didn't know the story, i wouldn't have told my mother, because i obviously wasn't supposed to say anything. well, after my mom talks to my brother, she hands the phone to me. he didn't say much to me, not that i blame him. but then he called and yelled at his wife, and then she called to tell me about it. i feel soo terrible, because he yelled at her for something i did. i'm so sick of screwing up all the time. i know how my parents are, and i should have known better. my brother probably won't talk to me anymore, not that i blame him. geez, i'd give anything to find the rewind button on life and take it all back. unfortunately, we all know this isn't possible. i mean, he's my brother, i'd do anything to help him out. but all i'm good for is hurting him, apparently. i emailed him to apologize, and i honestly don't expect a reply. i just need to learn to keep my damn mouth shut. its not like there's anything i can do about it now, i just don't want to lose contact with my brother. we hardly talk to each other, partly to do with an eight year age gap, and i'm pretty sure i've completely lost all trust he may have had in me. i spent most of the day crying, then my father called me, tried to tell me to calm down, that it wasn't my fault, the usual lines of bullshit they give me. i just feel like i let my brother down, like i'm some kind of snitch. i just want him to be happy, and i'm not helping him. there are days i wish God would just put a big metal plate over my mouth, that way i couldn't upset anyone with what comes out of my mouth. i just don't know what i'm doing anymore. i give up. до свиданя.