Fear and fear itself.

There are few things in life so incredibly frustrating as one single emotion. Fear is the perfect example. They say that we only fear fear itself, but there is so much more to this. Fear is the one emotion that creates an all around mind-fuck, regardless of whatever caused the fear in the first place. Like many people today, there is the "fear" that there is more month than money, as they say in the Allstate commercials. When something goes not quite well with the stock market, our economy begins to fear a collapse. Or when you begin to worry about something, and you cannot prove it until a certain amount of time has passed. This anxiety turns into fear, which causes you to lose sleep, your mind to race, and your emotions to run high and the people around you begin to suffer for it. Even when you think you were safe, that you did everything right, fear creeps into your mind and needless to say, freaks you out. Pregnancy can cause such fear, or even the idea that you might be pregnant. You begin to think "what if..." and granted, one should never live their life that way, but part of you just can't help it. Something like that comes across so negatively, though. It starts with thinking back to that night and recounting every move that was made. You're so sure you did what you're supposed to, but then you begin to second guess yourself and your memory. Then you go back through your normal body reactions to "the monthly visitor", which is when you find the little differences that make you seriously consider the possibility. Once the possibility is considered, you then go back to the idea of "I'm too young for this!" and "I'm not ready for this", or even "If this is really happening, how do I tell him?" That's when the days begin to get longer, your temper begins to get shorter, and you have no idea what's really wrong with you. Then you realize, the same time you are able to find out the truth, is the next time you'll see him, and you get the butterflies in your stomach. But these aren't the good butterflies where you can't wait to see them again, these are the angry butterflies that make you sick, and you can't breathe out of anxiety. You just want to tell someone, but you're so afraid of how they'll react. Will they call you a slut? Will they tell you it's going to be okay, no matter what? It doesn't matter how they react, you'll come down on yourself for the entire thing. You should have doen this, or that, or whatever else you can somehow extrapolate from the situation and blame yourself for. It's an impossible situation, that is only defined by the outcome posted on a device that is rather degrading to work with. The only thing to fear is fear itself? I disagree.

So I recently decided to ask myself a few questions and came up with no response, well at least not concrete responses. I wonder if I am an interesting person, or if I'm so boring I drive people away? Am I annoying, or otherwise emotionally undesirable? Am I even physically attractive? Why do they run away from me so quickly? I could write a book entitled How to Lose a Guy in 48 Hours. Lovely. Just the story I want to tell for the rest of my life. I had just begun to see myself as a beautiful person, and in just a few moments, it was destroyed again. Fml.

A means to an end?

So I decided today I'm going to write again. Not ot anyone in particular, just to write, I need to get some of this off of my chest, I think. Where to start: I'm at a place right now where I have no idea what's going, where I'm going, who I'm headed there with, if I'm going to lose someone close to me or not, if I'm headed in the right direction or not, and I'm confused. I had been doing so well, but right now I just feel like I could burst, or cry, or both. I would love to just get away, to just leave for a while and clear my head, get things where they need to be for a bit. Everything has been going well, seemingly. No arguments with the parents, my brother and I are closer than we've ever been, I have no idea what "he's" thinking, but I dont' care since we're obviously friends, I'll take that. I'd hate to lose him, especially right now when he seems to be an ally. My future is so uncertain, I don't know where I want to go or what I want to do. I've got this set of people pushing me in one direction, another set pulling me in another, and I can't seem to decide which way is up. I feel the best when I'm away from it all, when I can just focus on what I have to do for class right now; the papers, the articles, the books, they all take me far away from what I deal with here. I suppose you could say my studies are becoming an escape from my life, even though they are part of my life right now. I'm so lost with where I am otherwise, as well. I want to be a part of a church, but I'm hesitant to do so. I know facing ridicule is part of what one must endure to "have faith", but I feel as if I am out on such a limb, and I have only the hope it could even begin to hold me up. Perhaps I doubt myself too much, in fact, I know I do. I'm beginning to see what Hilary and Carranda see, but I have to change it, and I have to change it now. But what direction do I take??? Which "direction" is right for me?? With so much going on, it's a good day if I can get my name, age and major right! I've tried to keep it in, I know I put my problems on other people so much, I need to stop that. I'm having an issue dealing with all of this alone. I'm sure I could talk to someone about this, but I feel as if I'm passing the blame, or something of that nature. Besides, they say that the only person who can help you is yourself, but how true is that?? Everyday, we come in contact with so many people, it's impossible to be "alone". Take today as a perfect example: my mom helped me earlier, I spent an hour with a professor for his help, the guy at the coffee shop made my drink for me, and my day has only begun. Are we truly expected to deal with everything alone? How is this possible, I refuse to believe that we're truly capable of doing so.. it's not right. Humans are, by nature, a social being, we rely on one another, for asset acquisition, for moral support, for comfort. But at the same time, I feel as if I need to do this alone, the decision is mine. But for so long, I did what every one else wanted me to do, I didn't know who I was... Last semester I thought I saw a glimpse of "me," brought out by someone else, now I'm not so sure of what I saw. Was it real, or was it a dream, or even a hope? Right now I have so many questions, yet so few answers or even sources upon which I can look for the answers I seek... Maybe I'm just looking in the wrong direction, I really cannot say. I just feel as if I'm standing in the middle of a crowded room, with ropes tied to each limb, people pulling me in so many different directions, all the while I'm screaming and no one even takes note of what's going on. How long can someone survive like this? How does anyone else do this? I'm starting to wonder if it's an irreversible character flaw that I cannot undo, an innate problem with no solution. Maybe I'll never know, maybe the answers are in places I'm afraid to look, it's impossible to tell anymore. I just want to find myself, however I need to, but I don't know where to start. Perhaps, for the time being, I'll continue to be everyone else's puppet, and pretend it's who I am. It's possible that this is the best solution, acceptance and submission. Bis Später.

All I want for Christmas is a new life. I'll keep a few of my friends, namely Hilary and Carranda, but otherwise, I want a new life. I want to be thinner, by at least 20 lbs, I want to be smarter, I want to be the kind of person everyone likes, and I want to care more about everyone around me than myself. But at the same time, i just want to disappear, to be invisible. I don't want to be the center of attention, just the kind of person that doesn't piss anyone off, not memorable at all. I accept the fact that I'll be romantically alone for the rest of my life, and that's fine. No worries about that. But I just want to be "normal" again, yet I don't think it's going to happen any time soon. I feel as if I need to just disappear, then perhaps everything would just be okay. I give up, maybe I should just accept the fact that I'm not going to be happy, someone will always get to me, I JUST WANT PEOPLE TO STOP TRYING TO FORCE ME INTO THINGS! I want to be ME, and be accepted as such. Fuck this, I can't deal with this anymore.

It's an amazing time of year, a time when people give more than normal, when people seem happier than normal, and the air is just a bit lighter. As I sit in my living room, I begin to wonder about it all. I feel the fire warming my side, I sit amongst a good deal of decorations and I hear the entrancing voices of The Three Tenors, but something is missing. For once, my family is together, kind of... My brother isn't in a strange country, my parents are under the same roof every night, and I have my friends around me. This year, something just feels off, not wrong, but off. It's hard to think of what it could be, I just know something isn't quite right. I love this time of year, I'm usually so happy that it's Christmas, and not that I'm not happy, I'm just not as happy as normal. Perhaps I just need to put the pieces of the puzzle together, however they may fit this year. It's out of my hands, at least part of it, I'll just sit back and deal with whatever I can... Froehe Weihnachten, alle.

Back to the drawing board..

Well I'm back, since it's been so long since my last post. I've had a good bit of time to myself this weekend, which has allowed me time to really think about things. I've realized a lot, although not all of it is quite what I had expected. Now, where to begin....

My last post left me contemplating fate and trying to figure it out for myself, yeah, that didn't work as well as I had hoped. Tropical Storm Hanna was just depressing, too much rain, but that made me think of what was missing in my life. The funny thing is, it's not a person, or a couple of people, it's my own faith, as in faith in myself. I took the time to listen to what I was saying at times (a good deal of Jack Daniels, Smirnov, and Malibu helped with this...) I've put up so many walls, my own family can't even come close to breaking them. It's strange to think that the people who are supposed to know you incredibly well barely know who you are at all. The really odd thing was, for a few brief moments, I was insanely jealous of my cousin, for he has found the one for him, and while I am happy for them both, I can't bring myself to not be slightly jealous. I will say this for them, though. They're marriage will be incredibly strong after already surviving a tropical storm on the day of their wedding!! Later that evening I had a rather interesting conversation with the one friend who never holds back anything. I found out a lot of interesting opinions that I've taken to heart. I also got a few outsider views on my current relationship situation, which was only partially helpful, but I was glad for the input.

Beyond all of this, I realize just how much of what you say and what you do effects those around you. In various ways, of course, but the proof is still there. If you have two people helping you find an item to purchase, if you decide on on person's discovery over the other, obvious hurt comes over them, as if you're saying, "the other person is better than you, so I'll take their suggestion." Of course this is not necessarily what you're saying at all, but it always seems to come across this way, which is hard to experience. This also lead me to another conclusion: more often than not, I will sacrifice my own happiness to keep someone else from feeling pain. Which, to some degree, this is good, isn't it? I have always been taught that others come before you, you are the last concern. But now I have a few people telling me it's time to stand up for my own happiness, and to hell with those around me at times. I honestly cannot bring myself to hurt someone, regardless of how it seems to everyone else. I can't just make someone else feel as if they don't matter to serve my own interests. That's just not right. I dont' care what you think, it's not right. Self-servitude only gets you so far, finds you few friends and forges many enemies. I know it sounds ridiculous, but that's how I feel and I honestly don't care if you think I'm wrong.

On a final note, I'm not a fan of airports, but Baltimore/Washington International is not bad at all! I'm currently sitting in a plush leather chair with an outlet attached to it so my computer doesn't die on me! Haha, well, that's all I have time for, see you on the ground in Detroit!

This is actually from September 5....I just forgot to post it once de-boarded by flight...haha

To fly above the world is something of a wonder to me. Take today, for example. On the ground in Detroit, it was rainy, dark and nothing to lament leaving. As the plane lifted from the tarmac, that sudden sensation of being pressed into the seat alleviates itself as you grow accustomed to it. The sever incline to the body of the plane indicates where you are headed. One moment, you see the ground, the next, you’re hidden amongst the clouds, angels on either side of you, hopefully. Then, as suddenly as you are immersed into the remnants of a recent hurricane, something shows through the clouds: the sun. At this point, you begin to realize where you you really are, as if you could forget. Quickly, the sun becomes brighter and the clouds reveal their nature below you. The thick layers swirling and moving beneath you, a solemn reminder of what they once were part of. It is both beautiful and humbling, for you are so small and insignificant compared to the grander scale. There are so many of us, yet so few who really understand the immense nature of the world. Does anyone truly appreciate it, or can they even begin to do so? A good question.

Above the world, you can see so much, it looks as if you would look down upon a well constructed train set. The earth hiding no secrets, major metropolises scaled down to mere grids of streets, interspersed with buildings which have no meaning at such great heights. But you wonder, still, how does this all work? From here it is all so simple, so clear. But then again, is it really? Back on the ground level, life is so crazy. Like most people around me, I have a computer open, working on something that an on-looker might deem as important, though the truth is quite contrary. We wonder about each other, we examine those around us with scrutiny, whether we realize it or not. A person’s looks, style of dress, demeanor, jewelry, etc. And we make a judgement. If they’re smiling, we assume they’re happy, if they aren’t, we assume they’re either angry or not personable. It is hard to maintain an amiable disposition in every circumstance, nor am I suggesting that we should. But I digress. As we ponder the people we’re surrounded by, we can’t help but wonder about their lives. Take the woman next to me for example. She’s well dressed and currently reading an article, presumably for work. I see a ring on her left hand, therefore I would believe her to be married, and from the size of that diamond, to a wealthy man. Either that, or she loves jewelry and purchased the ring to make people think exactly as I did or to make people believe she is successful in every aspect of her life. But someone might look at me and think similar thoughts. I have a ring on my left hand, but am not married, or even engaged for that matter. I smile, but I am nowhere near happy. In fact, I’m miserable, but decide that I should not impose such a disposition on complete strangers. No one needs to know I’m caught in a dire struggle internally. Well, perhaps “dire” is a bit of an exaggeration, but back to the point. On one hand, there is someone who ‘likes’ me well enough to call me his girlfriend, although I never hear from him due to his current location (a US Naval ship in the middle of the Atlantic Ocean headed for the Iraqi coast.) On another hand, there is someone else on my home-front, who would seem that he shares feelings for me that go beyond simple friends. I guess time will reveal whatever fate has in store for me, as it always does for everyone.

So apparently I'm driving myself insane for reasons I don't even know. I thought I had it right this time, regardless of the fact he's on a ship so much. I knew this from the get go, he's in the Navy. Everything was going so well, we emailed back and forth nearly every day, he'd text me and IM me and stay up late talking to me. He'd even text me on his way out to his ship, sending me cool pics of the shipyard as he got closer to his home carrier. Then: nothing. Not a word, not an email, nothing. Then all of a sudden, I get a couple of text messages from him, saying that his ship was under some security measure that allowed emails to get in, but didn't allow them to go off the ship. Ok, now I know I'm not a naval expert, but I wasn't born yesterday. If the ship were under some sort of security like that, wouldn't they want to prevent incoming messages as well? I have no idea what to think, here. Honestly, I feel like I've done it again, that I've fallen for someone that was way out of my league, someone who enjoys torturing girls like me for the hell of it. I don't know, maybe he's telling the truth. Even if he doesn't want to deal with me anymore, I wish he would just be honest with me, be a man about it. I really want to be mad at him, but I only have myself to blame. Perhaps I'm wrong, and he's telling the truth and he really can't send me anything. Any thoughts, let me know, even if it's just "you're-an-idiot-for-getting-into-this" thanks.