why?

okay, so all i ever do on here is bitch about life. so here we go agian! my 21st birthday was just a few days ago. i have never felt so lonely or out of place in my life. i went out to dinner with my mom and my sister-in-law, but drank nothing. mostly because my mother shot me a look to kill when the waitress asked us what we wanted to drink. so that sucked. one of the waiters kept looking at me and smiling, but i'm sure all that was going thru his head was, 'hah, the fat chick thinks i'm hot'. emily tried to be cool about it, and she's still trying to get me to go out sometime with her. i really want to, but i know what will happen if i do. regardless of if i drink or not, my parents will bitch me out for even going, and call me an alcoholic. i was supposed to go out with a friend of mine tonight, but that kind of fell thru. he was in east lansing, but had to go back to ann arbor. i don't want to drive to ann arbor, which sucks. plus, i realized the hockey player i like is just like every other guy out there. just another jackass who wants nothing but the anorexic-herione chicks. seriously, if you're not a pencil, you're worthless. i hate our society. for once in my life, i want to be seen for who i am, not what i am. i know i need to lose weight, but my god. i realized i have cried myself to sleep for the last few weeks. if i could have one wish, i would wish myself skinny. i've tried so many diets, all of which have failed. bulimia and anorexia are out, although they seem to be my only choice about now. i know i whine a lot on here, mostly about myself. it's just such a horrible feeling when you can't even look at yourself in the mirror. the only reason i have a mirror is for my make-up. otherwise, i'd love to bring that crashing to the ground. for once, i want to be able to look in a mirror and like what i see. i just want to be beautiful......